RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
