having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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