You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
