i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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