his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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