nut hugger
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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