Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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