Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
