They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
