i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Randomize
