I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Small penises have feelings too.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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