i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I want to fling myself into the sun
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
