Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize