Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
