Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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