Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
