I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
