My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
