two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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