I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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