In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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