Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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