Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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