I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
