I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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