JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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