Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
