I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
