he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
