I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
