I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just invented taco cereal.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
