I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
