omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Of course I have a pirate flag
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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