Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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