oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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