Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize