the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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