I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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