He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My breasts were aching with rage.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
