I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
