No more Irish car bombs ever.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
