He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize