I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
