I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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