remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
