its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Randomize
