i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
