You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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