I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
