I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize