Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
