the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
