hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am puke
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
