I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
