were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize