got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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