she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
