the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Found the puke drawer
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
