Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
