I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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