I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
