shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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