He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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