dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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