can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
