I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
