I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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